I will

I will no longer be posting in this blog.

If you still find it appealing to read things I have to say you can find me here:

http://justfornick.tumblr.com/

goodnight sweet prince

...

Please oh please oh please oh please....

Class schedule part III

I think this is final

Macroeconomics
Writing About the Arts
3-D Design
Theater 101
History of the Western World (1450-1870)
Figure Drawing
Rock Drums

I thought this was funny

The artist of this is the same lady who did the movie Persepolis. Which I still need to see...

I am overwhelmed

I have so many things to do that I have been putting off. I am very overwhelmed at this moment.

I need to make lists.

humenah

Poker night was awesome.

Feeling sorry for yourself is good.

But feeling good about things is even better.

George Killian is a motherfucker.

What if I wrote everything right here.

What if.

Dewey Cox

"Walk Hard" never ceases to cheer me up. Best movie ever made.

"Edith I told you I can't build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won't work! "

this week

This week I have been bummmmed out. This weekend should be awesome. I need to get cheerful.

Class schedule part II

Macroeconomics
Writing About the Arts
3-D Design
Theater 101
History of the Western World (1870-Present)
Figure Drawing

ugh

I lost my phone charger. No where within biking distance has one. No no no no no.

Next Semester's Schedule

Macroeconomics
Writing About the Arts
3-D Design
Theater 101
International Finance
Figure Drawing


sound good?

I think so I guess

yay studio art classes...

humenehe

I now have more things to do than can be done. Cuts will be in the near future.

Le Sighe

102nd post- On to business

above is an art project I did for 2-d design using paper airplanes, tape, people, string, hallways, different coloured t-shirts and floodlights.

Everyone in my dorm right now is singing Against Me! I'm okay with that.

I have 8 listening logs to do for Music in the Black Church tomorrow. Gospel Music, here I come.

It has been a while since I wrote a long entry so I'm gonna do that now. I don't really have anything to say, but I'll just put stuff down.

I hate it when you say "I don't like when _____" and then someone you like is all like, " I do _________ all the time." Then you are like "Ughh I mean..." If I ever am a writer for a family comedy series all of the episodes will use this formula to set the situational humor of the episode.

Speaking of writing for a family comedy. My new dream job (and it's not really that new) is being a doctor of humor. How do i get a Ph.d. in Humor? That would be so awesome. You could teach people about why things are funny, you could learn about why things are funny and most importantly, you could refute to a degree of academic certainty people that aren't funny.

"Excuse me sir, you are most certainly not funny."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I am telling you now, still quoting Kanye West and making Michael Jackson jokes is not funny at all."

"But everyone is laughing, what right do you have to say I am not funny."

"Everyone is laughing because they are pre-conditioned to laugh at jokes about celebrities and most of them feel bad for you. Also I am a doctor of humor."

"Well, then I withdraw my previous jokes and hold my head in shame."

That would be an awesome situation.

Also I want to write a steam-punk novel. Maybe I'll start that eventually. The year is 3000, fossil fuels were never discovered and dirigibles are the preferred method of travel. If this book were a cartoon movie everything would be way too sepia. BADASS

Mahalia Jackson, hurr I come.

101st post

H-H-Halloween

I enjoyed halloween. There, I said it. I wore a black bow-tie and top hat. I had a bit to drink. I fell asleep happy and woke up happy albeit the headache.

Mock trial lasted forever but that's to be expected.

I'm listening to Pantera now and it's awesome. I need to never forget how awesome metal is. I hate it when people think they're better than you because you like hairy dudes shredding guitars. I don't care if it's not intelligent. Neither is Animal Collective.

Jesus loved thrash metal.

I am so tired right now.

good idea, bad idea

they should make permanent hats for the truly hardcore. or the truly bald.

We will not ever look at each other in the same light ever again

I have all but given up on school work. Mock trial has taken care of that. Tomorrow I have a presentation, econ homework I didn't finish in time and an accounting quiz on god knows what. I haven't been to art in a week. I really need to start going to art class. I'm happy though. Everything else is going okay. People are good. Rock music is good. My goal for next week is to get back into the groove of school and finish the year strong. I am excited for halloween. Costume possibilities = ghost, James Bond Fire? probably a ghost. I need to go to bed so I can wake up and figure out what I am going to do about that presentation tomorrow. I wonder what I'm supposed to wear. I'll wear khakis and bring a coat and tie just in case. No one will even be able to tell. Matching is also not important.

I need to figure out how to not spend all my homework time doing mock trial. I'll get that eventually.

I wanted change in my life and I guess I got it. We'll see how long things last.

Bands I have listened to so much recently I'm getting sick of them:

Against Me!
Andrew Jackson Jihad
At The Drive-In

they all start with A for no particular reason.

I have about another paragraph of stuff I would like to write here but I will not for fear people will discover it.

Ryan

good idea, bad idea

teeter tottering should be a competitive sport. first one to draw blood wins.

Mock Trial

I want to sleep.

good idea, bad idea

I want to write the world's catchiest song ever and name it "this brain". Then people will say things like "I hate having this brain stuck in my head" or "This brain has been stuck in my head all day". Then their friends will laugh at them.

friends

got to see ross and jacob... sweet.

WOOOAAHHH

Despite not finding any mangosteens (apparently they are illegal in the US despite being the allegedly best tasting fruit in the world) I had a very nice evening. Someday I will eat a mangosteen.

if i would have know just how things would have ended up

Evelyn sits by the elevator doors.
It's been 37 years since James dies on St. Patrick's Day in 1964,
but she could not hold it against him.
There were times when there was nothing she could do but lie in bed all day beside a picture of them together...
A picture of better days...

And just like James, I'll be drinking Irish tonight
and the memory of his last work week wil be gone forever...
Evelyn I'm not coming home tonight,
if we're never together
if I'm never back again
well I swear to god that I'll love you forever
Evelyn I'm not coming home tonight...

In all the years that went by she said she'd always love him
and from the day that he died she never loved again.
In his wallet she kept in her nightstand an A.A. card and a lock of red hair.
She kept secrets of pride locked so tight in her heart
it killed a part of her before the rest was gone.
She said, "if I would have known just how things would have ended up I just would have let myself die."

And just like James, I'll be drinking Irish tonight
and the memory of his last work week wil be gone forever...
Evelyn I'm not coming home tonight,
if we're never together
if I'm never back again
well I swear to god that I'll love you forever
Evelyn I'm not coming home tonight...

Yayoi Kusama

You are my hero

In addition

Nevermind.

Where the Wild Things Were

Where the Wild Things Are was a heavy movie. I still think Spike Jonze is a genius. I'm kinda depressed now though. Being a little kid sucks.

"Song About an Angel" by Sunny Day Real Estate is the only song I'm ever listening to again. Ever.

In fact that song should've been the soundtrack to the movie. Karen O is great and all, but she passed up a golden opportunity.

I wish I could split into two. I would have one of me that would continue living life as normal and another one of me that could travel time and be invisible and he would watch the life of the first one. They could talk to each other about what happens in the future or the past and they'd be an awesome team. If bad things happened they would change little things in the past (present?) to correct that but they would never change anything major. Even if they knew a war was gonna happen or something bad like that. That way they would not get confused about moral obligations and stuff that no one really understands anyways. I just hate guessing about the future. But this way I would still have the capability to be surprised. I think that would be awesome and nothing bad would ever happen and I definitely would not abuse it creating horrible situations that I have to get myself out of or use it to manipulate people. I might use it to win sports bets and make money like in back to the future 2. I wouldn't build some super hell casino place like Biff. I definitely would try to find a way to bring back floating skateboards but I doubt my time traveling invisible self could carry objects through the future. He would only be able to transport the physical being connected to him through his soul. I wonder if my hair is connected to my soul. I might be traveling through space bald. And definitely naked because clothes are physical objects. It's okay though because I'd be invisible. I would probably spend most of my time traveling time staring in through windows at people I care about. Hopefully my normal self would also be through the windows because that would mean I am with people I care about. I wouldn't watch myself have sex through windows though because that'd be weird and hopefully I'm not having sex by a window people could see through. The reason I would look through windows is because I can walk through solid mass. I am invisible, not immaterial. My normal self would probably have to fake much gusto about life since he would already know what happened but at least he wouldn't have to stay up all night wondering. During one of my future-normal self meetings, my future self would comically be naked and my normal self would be visibly uncomfortable. Maybe my time traveling self would look back on this and laugh. Mostly because then there would be two naked mes so normal me would be outnumbered. That situation could potentially create a paradox. Time traveling me would be much more bold than normal me but also have a strong desire to switch places as he has lived a life damned to watching himself feel things he hasn't had the opportunity to. I guess I would have to have a single consciousness for that to work. Then I would be able to focus on the benefits and keep priorities in line. I guess this will never happen. Maybe when we die our souls get split like this. I doubt it. There are not nearly enough random naked people for that to be possible.

What if future me and normal me fell in love with two different people??? That would be such a kick-ass story.

I have forgotten how to sleep

I made a lot of mistakes

all things go.

Hello Mother Leopard

Things are a-changin'

come on weekend.
come on wishful thinkin'.
come on Apollon.

All in due time.
Balancing act.
Sorrow.
Forgiveness?
Doubt.
Doubt.
Doubt.
Hope.
Too good to be true?
Please no.
Please no.
No.

Not every song I write will sound like The Pixies.

Henry Cabot Lodge

Hodgepodge
Hedgehog
Sledge Hammer
Nudge

Macadamia

Ooh.


Fuck Youtube ads.

I never know if I'm doing the right thing.

Sometimes you see right through me.

WooooOOOOoooo

I want a tattoo of a bear dressed like a wolf

I would never get a tattoo of anything i didn't think would be important to me twenty years from now. Is it wrong that I can't think of anything that I am confident will be important to me twenty years from now?

CAW revisited

I probably won't write more later.

CAW

I guess I need to start listening to happier music. I think I would be happier if I did that. I need to start sleeping more at night and less during the day too. School is going well though and that's sweet. Sunny Day Real Estate is sweet. I'll write more later.

Battle Royale

Battle Royale is a crazy movie. Afro Samurai is sitting on my 'fridge. Im'a watch that sometime. Samuel L. + Anime + The RZA = best thing ever. That is all for now.

as sung by kermit

kermit covers hurt by nine inch nails on youtube... greatest thing ever...

I like this song

Through the best of times,
Through the worst of times,
Through Nixon and through Bush,
Do you remember '36?
We went our seperate ways.
You fought for Stalin.
I fought for freedom.
You believe in authority.
I believe in myself.
I'm a molotov cocktail.
You're Dom Perignon.
Baby, what's that confused look in your eyes?
What I'm trying to say is that
I burn down buildings
While you sit on a shelf inside of them.
You call the cops
On the looters and piethrowers.
They call it class war,
I call it co-conspirators.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.

You watched in awe at the red,
White, and blue on the fourth of july.
While those fireworks were exploding,
I was burning that fucker
And stringing my black flag high,
Eating the peanuts
That the parties have tossed you
In the back seat of your father's new Ford.
You believe in the ballot,
Believe in reform.
You have faith in the elephant and jackass,
And to you, solidarity's a four-letter word.
We're all hypocrites,
But you're a patriot.
You thought I was only joking
When I screamed "Kill Whitey!"
At the top of my lungs
At the cops in their cars
And the men in their suits.
No, I won't take your hand
And marry the State.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.

700 miles is a long drive inside a car.

It has been a while since I have posted music that I like. I am posting music that I like.

Take On Me- Cap'n Jazz

Lenders in the Temple- Conor Oberst

Pitseleh- Elliott Smith

Faces of the Deep- Nobody

Putting on the Ritz- Taco

Eriatarka- The Mars Volta

Art is Hard- Cursive

If you need new music these are all excellent pathways to start your journey.

today

today I felt sick for a couple reasons. I am hoping an upcoming visit will settle my stomach. Here's to hoping.

...

I hope when I dream tonight my brakes don't work and I crash.

Dreams Again

I just had another dream where I was robbed/mugged (at gunpoint) and the brakes of my car didn't work. Faulty brakes is becoming a reoccurring dream. I wonder what that means

This happened to me last night via dream

So I was in the parking lot of Freedom hall trying to sneak my way into the Miley Cyrus concert because I had failed to acquire real tickets. After giving up on this endeavor I walked back to my car. After opening the door to the mini-van I was driving everything went black. I awoke in Mexico to find that me and a friend had been there for two weeks. We had been knocked unconscious and dropped off in Mexico for unknown reasons. We were only an hour or so away from Cancun in a small fishing village so I figured we could get a flight back home pretty quickly. The only problem is I didn't really feel like going back. I called my dad to let him know where I was but he didn't believe me. After returning from the phone to the family that was housing me I ran into my mom who apparently had been there the whole time, also taking care of my unconscious self. Then I woke up.

RA RA RA

Need to write. Need to read. Need to do accounting homework. Need to think things over. Need to decide.

This is my list of things to right now with no particular goal time.

I also probably need to drop something in my life. Things are gonna get too overwhelming. I guess I will have to think that over too. I need time to exercise too. Things will slow down eventually I hope.

My mind is all FUCKINGSHITHISH"IOFN"SOUFHS>RN:OSIFCNS

Cicadas are chirping outside.
My window is half open.
I'll get too cold later tonight.

My room is a mess and that really bothers me.

That never used to bother me.

I did art tonight and for the moment I am happy with it.

In the morning it will not be like I remembered it.

The defense rests it's case.

If I do accounting now I can sleep. If I sleep I will be happier tomorrow. If I am happier tomorrow I will get things done. If I get more things done tomorrow I will have more time the rest of the week. If I have more time the rest of the week I will be a successful person.

Fuck success.

Ryan

Recently

I wanna start a post-hardcore band.

Tired

Sometimes I need silence.

School Update

So I just finished my first week of school. It was really only two days but whatever. I have 7 new roommates. Someone is always playing a guitar. Always. While not excited for homework, I am pretty okay with all of my classes. So far drawing seems to be the most fun. Hopefully I get some sick doodlin' skills (SkIlZ). All of my non-Bellarmine buddies are moving back this weekend, which is kinda shitty but I'll still see them. I just recently talked to a good buddy of mine who thinks starting a band would be a good idea. I agree whole-heartedly. Tonight I am going to see Inglourious Basterds which I have high expectations for. Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino are two film and television people that I normally enjoy. The fair is also this weekend. I would like to go to that if I can find someone to go with. I like looking at the bunny rabbits. I'll write more here later.

Dear Diary.

Fucking School

Yay

I'm beat, beat red.

Pinkerton.

blink 182

blink 182 opened the show with dumpweed and closed the song with dammit. I got to mosh to fucking dammit. I had a good time. Fall out boy was not Weezer.

Also... good song

I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong
Really all I felt was falsely strong
I held on tight and closed my eyes
It was dumb I had no sense of your size

It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night
On the birthday in the kitchen
My grip was loose my eyes were open

I felt your shape and heard you breathing
I felt the rise and fall of your chest
I felt your fall
Your winter snows
Your gusty blow
Your lava flow
I felt it all
Your starry night
Your lack of light
With limp arms I can feel most of you

I hung around your neck independently
And my loss was overwhelmed
By this new depth I don't think I ever felt

But I don't know
The nights are cold
And I remember warmth
I could have sworn I wasn't alone

Its that time

Almost time to move. Almost time for school.


You boys like Mexico?

Silly Animals in Sillier Situation 1

Social D

So I just saw the band Social Distortion live and in person (via the Egyptian Room of Indianapolis' Murat) and I think I just fulfilled a childhood goal. I am hoarse from yelling the words to "Don't Drag Me Down". My left shoulder and stomach are sore. I got to see a skinhead publicly humiliated and then kicked out by a room full of anti-rascist punks. Social Distortion is one of the bands I grew up listening to (thanks Dave Mirra BMX for the Playstation) and they just played a kickass show. I also saw a dude in a Minor Threat T-shirt drinking a beer and at first I was a bit mad but then I realized he was probably straight edge like Ryan so it is okay. ALWAYS GONNA KEEP IN TOUCH!!!! NEVER GONNA USE A CRUTCH!!!! I'VE GOT THE STRAIGHT EDGE!!!!!

Also the opening band Strangers was really fucking good: http://www.myspace.com/strangersstrangers

The second opening band Civet was an entirely chick punk band and they were okay... the lead singer was pretty peppy and yelled a lot so i guess that counts for something. Their recorded tracks sound a lot better than they did live: http://www.myspace.com/civet

Addendum

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

yo

Yo, I changed the layout of the blog.  Partly because I got bored but mostly because I think I am going to start doing my own webcomic and I want a wider format so I can fit my webcomic (when and if I add it).  Because I am at work and not at home I can't do the webcomic now.  Instead I am going to include some of my favorite online comics.  

Officialjesuschrist.com

Questionablecontent.net

Explosm.net

Qwantz.com

Drmcninja.com

Also... the proposed name of my new internet drawing stories is "Silly Animals in Sillier Situations".  I hope the theme of my Browser-based-artistic-renderings-while-maintaining-coherency is apparent.

tonight

Tonight made for excellent conversation.  At least for the moment I really feel like I have my life figured out.  Talking about your goals and aspirations and fears and everything else with someone else is always helpful.  As a side note, I don't think I am going to feel like blogging much until school starts again.  So prepare for a month of possible hiatus.  Who knows?

-Ryan

Harry Potter 6

here is my review of Harry Potter 6: Harry and the Half-Blood Prince-

The new Harry Potter movie was pretty good.  I guess.  It was entertaining.  The imagery and symbolism thing was way over done.  Yes we understand that with cgi you can make good things light and bad things dark.  I hear England is somewhat of a dreary place but I don't think one day in Harry Potter's 6th year at Hogwarts wasn't overcast by a brown smoky (smokey) sky.  Some of the scenes were cute/amusing.  I liked that.  The acting was pretty decent.  

Okay that's my review

summer lovin... havin a blast

Someday we'll all get back to the way things were. Someday nostalgia won't hold it's weight. Someday the best days of our lives will be replaced.

They don't play my hits, well I don't give a shit...

Things that have happened recently.

Last night and this morning sucked. I went to Forecastle tonight. Saw jam band greats such as The Black Crowes and Widespread Panic. Remind me not to be an asshole hippy/outdoorsmen wannabe who smokes weed at jam band concerts when I'm 50 years old. God. Also, does every girl in America own that one bohemian dress. You know. That dress that they wear when they want to be different, or when they go to music festivals. Seriously. Every fucking girl between the ages of 16 and 26 was wearing a crappy hippy dress with gladiator sandals. If Russell Crowe and that one mom that dresses like a hippy on Halloween (every goddamn year) had a middle-class white suburban daughter.. it would be every female there. Enough about that though. The Black Crowes are really average. Like if I got 10 of my musically talented friends and we just made up songs as we went for an hour (plus reverb whored everything) it would sound like The Black Crowes. Widespread Panic was pretty good but I can't believe that they have such a devoted following. Who was that upset about missing out on The Grateful Dead that they had to follow around Widespread Panic. I mean the least they could've done is picked Phish. Probably the same people that don't own any non-Jerry Garcia ties. They're so zany but they work well in formal situations.



I think it should be noted that that picture was taken from a webiste called Frattinghard.com

and my closing remarks:

Dear All White People,

Quit trying to be Rastafarian. Seriously. No one else cares how much weed you smoke. You're not proving anything. Cut off your dreadlocks, take a shower and for God's sake, quit having children.

Sincerely, Ryan

You found me. Three bullets, skillfully dodged. You planned on leaving me for death. But I was deft for lead.

and again

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

.

Sometimes I get extremely insecure about things.

Cigars, bottle rockets and politics make excellent conversation.

.

All quiet on the western front.

Independence Day

Watching the Weather Channel like its my job today.

rich girls, fine wine, i lost my sense, i lost control, I lost my mind

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. That is my favorite holiday besides Christmas. I have to work from 5-11. That means I am missing the cookouts and most of the fireworks. Boooooooo! I don't even get time and a half. Either way I still have a bag full of Roman Candles.

asdfdsa

Battered wives, molested children
Roaches on the floor, rats in the ceiling
Cats walk around New York with two fillin's
One is in their mouth the other, does the killin'
I'm Vast Air, Kramer, top billin'

Mystic Valley Band

Tonight I saw Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band play. It was really great. Three very large indie girls sat next to me on one side of the couch at different parts of the show. I totally called that. It was very hot. I bought a hat. It is green and not red like most of my stuff. Natalie made a comment that I always wear Christmas colours (my shirt was red). Maybe someday people will celebrate Ryanmas (Nafzigermas?) It's cool cause I needed a new hat because I lost my last one. If anyone has seen a red trucker hat that has the Massey Fergusson logo on it it is mine. Natalie's sister bought everyone icee's and McDonald's. That was sweet. Tomorrow I am definitely going to Paul's to buy Iced Animal Crackers and beer cheese. I won't eat the two together though. That is all for now.

I've said it all before

I said, "I must be fine cause my heart's still beating."

Seaside- The Kooks

I just woke up from a dream that left me feeling weak at the knees and not in a good way,

Marmalade Maggie

Right now I feel like I have a lot to write but I really don't know what to write and I kind of have a headache. I guess I will start off by saying I am listening to The Merediths which were one of the greatest local Louisville bands a few years ago. They are seriously awesome but they broke up. I would like to go to sleep right now but I have slept 13 of the last 24 hours so that doesn't really help. I guess I could talk about my life. I really feel like I am in a good place in my life. I have great friends. I have an awesome (and cute) girlfriend who I feel like I have a great relationship with. I'm getting along well with my parents. I have a direction and goals in school that I feel confident I can achieve. I have a fun job (lifeguarding) and I will be the head guard of my pool in about a month. I think that is pretty good for my first year on the job. Hopefully I'll get a pay raise because right now the biggest stress in my life is having enough money to make it through next school year.

My God has two thirds of my brain. (From the song I am listening to)

For the first time in my life for as long as I can remember I feel a certain (positive) pressure to achieve something. Pretty much all of high school I really didn't care. I don't know why and honestly I'm sick of trying to figure out why I didn't. Maybe a psychologist would know but I don't care. Right now I feel motivated and that is a good thing so why over analyze it? I probably need to start living healthier (aka run, lift and bike more) but that is kind of in the back of my mind. At the beginning of summer I was kind of hoping for a summer like last summer where I partied with my friends all the time and had wild crazy adventures. I have done a bit of that this summer but my favorite parts have just been the sitting and the talking: the calmer times. I guess that's growing up. A few of my friends party a bit too much I fear but I'm not going to worry about that too much. Live and let live.

I got something to say. I killed a baby today. (From the song I am listening to)

I am really looking forward to the next school year.

I guess that is about all I am going to say for now.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Well said Charles Dickens. Well said.

The Czar, OJ Da Juice man and sunburn.

The Czar:
"Crack the Skye" by Mastodon is the coolest album of all time. I'm serious. Listen to it. Mastodon is probably the coolest band ever. They even did the song in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie.



Work is great because I'm gettin' money:



Also... I got so burnt at work today. My back looks like rawhide.

1

There was a time tonight where I really wanted to believe in God.

Summer Reading Update

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall.

OMFG

If David Foster Wallace were still alive his book "Consider the Lobster" would've been about how burnt I am right now instead of porn stars and John McCain. But alas, he killed himself.

Summer Reading Update

I am so not going to finish my summer reading. I am only halfway through my first book. That books is The Fountainhead and it is kinda long. Someone recently made fun of The Fountainhead and said it and Catcher in the Rye are the two big books that teenagers name drop to sound intellectually hip. I have never read Catcher in the Rye but I can see that. The book is okay I guess. I really really really disagree with Ayn Rand I think. I'm not going to go into that now. I'm going to start name dropping Tom Clancy books and see if that gets me any Lit cred. It is kind of sad that the intellectual value of a book can be diminished just because people use it to sound cool. I need to stop hanging out with kids who think books are cool. I think that is the big problem. Since when were books cool? I think I'm gonna change the "books" section of my Facebook "about me" to:

"lol who read books?"

or

"fuck reading and shit"

or

"i like everything except country and rap"

I guess its impossible to be actually cool and intellectual. I think I'm gonna go put in some Mogwai or Godspeed You! Black Emperor and go watch some Wes Anderson Flicks. Right after I put down this great Bukowski book I'm reading. Is it still cool to eat thai food?

God

Just a few minutes ago I stumbled upon a large cluster of Youtube videos arguing either for religion or atheism. God versus no god. I always cringe when reading the articles on these pages which are always (and so shamelessly) filled with fallacies of logic. God must exist because with out him we wouldn't have a purpose. God can't exist because science far surpasses religion. etc... All horrible arguments on both sides, the best arguments really do little else than tell why the other arguments are in fact fallacies, and do little to actually promote the side of the one arguing. I always tend to take the side of the atheists for a few rather fallacy filled reasons of my own. 1. The religious people whine too much. 2. I was raised in the Catholic Church and I guess I'm still young enough to be excited by fighting the system. 3. Scientists talk about things like black holes which are really awesome. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by known atheist Carl Sagan. The quote neither refutes nor promotes religion. It is a simple criticism of what I think is one of organized religions greatest weaknesses.

"In some respects, science has far surpassed religion in delivering awe. How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, "This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed"? Instead they say, "No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.""

Now I neither believe and don't believe in God at this point in my life and while I writhe in discomfort at the term agnosticism, I guess I technically fall into that category. The term itself seems so final though. Its like picking a side and I do not, nor probably ever know enough to pick a side. The problem with organized religion (which at this point in history has numerous times had to eat its own words and still come out on top) is it is final. It is concrete. Call me a cop-out or a coward but I can't handle the concrete. If there is a God in the sense most religious men and women seem to promote, then I anxiously await my stay in purgatory where hopefully the questions of the universe will be answered. If there is no God then I suppose I will rot and it won't really matter. At this point I secretly (and despairingly) believe that whatever force did create this universe (and I do believe the universe was created by some force we don't know about) is not something that will ever be allowed to comprehend or able to. Why would the force that created us have left us an afterlife? What is the nature of our beings? Is any of this real? At a realistic level do I even care? Probably not. As long as I am living this comfortable life that I live I am content not knowing the secrets of the universe (ish). To be honest all of it really bothers me.

The closest I have ever been to killing myself (which has admittedly never been very close) is to find out what happens in death. How can some people stand not knowing. Death would either answer the questions of the universe or end the desire for such knowledge. Hell would be a mental consciousness forever after death where none of our questions are ever answered I think. Heaven would be knowing what created us. I guess religion really is heaven on earth if it gives us answers to those questions. I don't really think it matters if the answers are scientific facts or not. Perception is always greater than reality and ideas are defined by the purpose they fulfill. If someone believes in a god I cannot prove them wrong. In a certain sense that makes them right because God fills whatever gap in their lives they put him in and that is what God is for. God fulfills the purposes people assign him (scientifically real or not) which makes him just as real as anything he could ever be. I think.

Finnaroo

Tonight is Finnaroo day 2.
Party on Wayne.

I'm the goddamn batman

>Just sharing....  Special props to the awesome person who sent this to me

Status Update

Right now I am sitting in my room all alone.  No one else is in my house.  I am not wearing pants.  Not even a little bit.

Lately things just don't seem the same

I'm finished for a bit.

Last Night I Had A Dream

My dream last night:

My dream last night started out like any other night with friends.  We were hanging out at Qdoba trying to figure out what we would do that night.  I guess we decided on something because everybody left and I ended up going to some swim team tryouts.  I ended up swimming a bunch of laps with a bunch of weird people I do not know and then we went back to the locker room to change.  I started texting all my friends to figure out what was going on that night and most just said they were up for whatever.  This is when the trouble started.  In the swimming locker room I started to smoke marijuana and a couple of the other swimmers joined me.  In my dream state I was sufficiently "fucked up" when the coach for the swim team came in the locker room.  I assume he smelled the smoke because he told us if we weren't going to take things seriously we should just leave now.  I left.  As I was walking to my car in the parking lot of the swim facilities I, for whatever reason, ran into a large group of my friends.  Most of them were fairly inebriated too (I recall one of them falling flat on his face and laughing).  We met up in the parking lot in the illuminated circle of a streetlight and began joking, laughing and carrying on.  All of a sudden a red pickup truck pulled up with two huge muscular dudes in it.  They wanted to fight.  There were probably 15-20 of us (my friends) and two of them but these guys were huge.  Like 7'8" huge, solid muscle.  The scene erupted into a huge fight and I was still scared and "fucked up".  A third guy popped out of the back of the pickup truck and joined then.  I jumped on the back of one of the guys with my arms trying to wrap around the guy's throat.  He didn't even notice me with all the other people attacking him.  I pryed off his watch (which was also connected to his keys) and used the watch and keys as a blunt instrument to punch the guy in his shaved head.  Only a few minutes into the fight a security guard pulled up and told us to get out of the parking lot.  We all ran for it and went to our cars.  My friends were going to meet somewhere but I was too "fucked up" to comprehend this and got in my car, turned on the lights and started driving.  A few things were wrong with my car including the brake not working and the lights on the inside of the car not turning on.  I couldn't steer, I couldn't brake and I couldn't see anything.  I decided to pull over in the first parking lot I could find which happened to be a Mcdonald's parking lot.  Because I couldn't brake I skidded into the parking lot after taking the turn way to fast and hitting the curb.  I somehow managed to park but a man came up and told me I had to move because I was blocking the stairs.  I moved and struggled to fit into a different parking lot when I woke up.  Weird dream.

Freak Scene

Songs Stuck In My Head:

also the song "don't want to know if you are lonely" by Husker Du (with umlauts).

Today

Today I am going to work.

Then I am going to visit my grandmother who is still recovering from the broken femur.

I might also draw a little bit because I feel like drawing.

Now I might take a nap.

Last night, my friends and I decided to go on an adventure.  It started off well enough as we crossed the horse-bridge over into our magical spot.  Ben and I chugged a nalgene full of equal parts coke, vanilla coke and tequila.  We then crossed back over the horse-bridge and went to the top of dog hill where we met up with everyone else.  The adventure fell apart there because everyone wanted to go home.  It was still an okay time.  I fell asleep in spike's dorm on the spare bed.  I woke up to what I assume was Ross calling spike to go donate plasma for money.  Spike did not wake up.  I left about an hour and a half later.

I want, I want.

I want to build thunderstorms out of broken clocks and fading postcards.

I want to dig tunnels with someone else's teeth.

I want every night's sounds to be recorded and played at my wedding.

I want nothing to change.

drums

I am teaching myself to play drums via youtube.

I hate.

I hate every car on the road I'm not in.

I hate every street sign telling me direction I already know.

I hate it when adults talk about how certain people have "ruined their lives because of drugs".

I hate that I still get scared.

I hate that certain things don't scare me anymore.

I hate that I haven't done anything or gotten anywhere in my life.

I hate that I can't be happy with what I have.

I hate it when I think horrible things and am not even bothered.

I hate the way I convey emotions.

I hate not being emotional and then being very emotional.

I hate the word emotional and ever bit of context that could possibly be associated with it.

I hate people like me.

I hate it when people say "you can do whatever you want in life" because you can't.

I hate the way people organize themselves.

I hate how hypocritical I have become.

I hate writing this and things like it.

I would hate myself if I never wrote this and things like it (maybe).

I hate that most of these things are lies.

I hate knowing people's names that don't know mine.

I hate thinking about how little I have ever done.

I hate being a different person.

I hate the idea of "being yourself" even though I agree with it.

I hate how dumb this sounds.

I hate that people will put more emphasis on the last line of this.

Oh Me

If I had to lose a mile 

If I had to touch feelings 

I would lose my soul 

The way I do 

I dont have to think 

I only have to do it 

The results are always perfect

 And thats old news 

Would you like to hear my voice

 Sweetened with emotion 

Invented at your birth? 

 I cant see the end of me 

My whole expanse 

I cannot see

 I formulate infinity

 And store it deep inside of me